Glee Laryngitis (Season 1 Episode 18)


Puck shaves off his mohawk and loses his mojo. Now, even the nerds are no longer afraid of him. So he decides the best way to get his mojo back is to date a popular cheerleader. He sets his eyes on Mercedes. At first, Mercedes rejects his advances, seeing as how they have completely different tastes.

Brittany [on mohawk-shaven Puck]: Who is that guy?

Jacob Ben Isreal:  You’re like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup. No more juice.

Puck: What’s the point of living when I suck so bad?

Puck: I feel like that guy who lost all his hair, then lost all his hair.
Santana : Samson?
Puck : Agassi.

Santana: Don’t know if it’s the missing mohawk or the whining, but I’m not turned on at all right now.

Puck: Get ready black girl from Glee club whose name I can’t remember right now. The Puckster is about to make you his.

Puck: I did some research, blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other.

Puck: Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.
Mercedes: Seriously? That’s what you came up with?

Puck: I’m a sex shark. If I stop moving, I die.
Mercedes: Me and you would not work out. You’re top 40. I’m rhythm and blues.

Eventually, Mercedes succumbs to Puck’s charms, especially after Puck sings “Lady is a Tramp”. She agrees to date Puck. When word gets around that Puck is dating one of the most popular cheerleaders at McKinley High, he gets his bad-boy rep back and things go back to the way they were – the nerds are once again terrified of him. When Puck realizes this, he goes back to bullying them and tossing them in the dumpster. Meanwhile, the cat claws come out and Santana fights for her man. She and Mercedes have a sing-off with “The Boy is Mine”.

Quinn [to Mercedes]: At least I don’t have to listen to his stupid theories on how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization.

Mercedes realizes the perils of popularity, and she quits the Cheerios. She doesn’t want to become somebody else for the sake of popularity. She tells this so to Puck.

Sue: Nobody quits the Cheerios. You either die or I kick you off.

Sue: I’ll have to take to the mike and deliver a diatribe. Probably something about immigrants.

Will assigns the kids to each sing a solo. Choice song would have to be something that describes who they are.

Will: The glee club has lost its voice. It’s time for us to get it back.

Rachel: I have chosen Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” because it’s about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you: my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.

Rachel has laryngitis and loses her voice. She gets insanely paranoid and melodramatic, claiming that her singing prowess is the only thing that defines her essence.

Rachel: I’m like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live.

Finn gets through to Rachel by introducing her to his former football buddy, Sean, who was paralyzed during a game. Sean tells Rachel that nobody is just one thing.

Kurt is undergoing major personality crisis. His dad came to school to pick up Finn so they could watch a baseball game together. Kurt wasn’t invited and he feels jealous. He decides to butch it up because he feels that he’s losing his dad due to his sexuality. Kurt confides to Sue but she wasn’t much help.

Sue: “So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

Sue: You know there’s only person in this world who can tell you who you are.

Kurt: Me.

Sue: No, me. And I haven’t quite decided what to think of you yet.

Sue: “Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So good luck with your troubles. And I’m gonna make it a habit not to stop and talk to students because this had been a colossal waste of my time.”

Brittany asks out Kurt and he agrees. He brings Brittany home, to further assure his dad of his masculinity.

Brittany: You’re pretty much the only guy in this school I haven’t made out with because I thought you were capital G gay. But now that I know you’re not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. Let me know if you wanna tap this.

Kurt: What do boys’ lips taste like?
Brittany: Usually dip, sometimes they taste like burgers — or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

Mr. Hummel: “I came home to find this note on your doorknob, ‘Do not enter under any circumstances, I’m making out with a girl.’ I just thought it was the start of one your murder-mystery dinners.”

Kurt: I need you to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just having sexual relations.

Mr. Hummel: If things get serious, use protection.
Brittany: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

Brittany: Now I know what it’s like to date a baby.

Towards the end, Mr. Hummel talks to Kurt and tells him that he does accept him for who he is. Kurt doesn’t need to be somebody else in order for him to love Kurt. Kurt goes back to his former self.

Kurt: I’m not a box. There are more than four sides to me.

Show ends with Rachel and Sean and the rest of the glee club singing “One”.

Soundtrack:

  • “One”
  • “The Lady is a Tramp”
  • “Jessie’s Girl”
  • “Rose’s Turn”
  • “The Boy is Mine”
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Glee Home (Season 1 Episode 16)


Sue flat out tells Mercedes that she needs to lose 10 pounds in one week in time for Sue’s big interview with Splitsville Magazine, which named her as “the best coach in the last 2000 years”. If Mercedes doesn’t shed the weight, she’s  out of the Cheerios.

Sue: Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team.

Kurt: You shouldn’t be embarrassed about your boy.
Mercedes: Embarrassed ? I’m worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.

Sue [to Kurt and Mercedes]: How do you two not have a show on Bravo?

Sue: I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.

Mercedes asks Santana and Brittany how they manage to stay slim. Turns out the Cheerios adhere to a special drink called Sue’s Master Cleanse – formulated by Sue – a drink that contains a dose of ipecac.

Kurt: You have a week to lose 10 pounds. It’s like trying to lose one of my butt cheeks.

Sue: I haven’t had a solid meal since 1987.

Sue: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you’re just like every other teenage girl in America, sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you’ll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents’ linen closet.

Meanwhile, the New Directions can’t rehearse in the auditorium because Sue monopolized the place for her Cheerios practice.

Sue [to Will]: I’m sure Figgins will mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.

So Will goes looking around for an off-site location. He ends up at the local skating rink, which is now owned by April Rhodes (yes, she’s B-A-CK!). April apparently hasn’t been able to clean up her act yet. She is now the mistress of a rich strip mall tycoon.

April: Will Schuester?!? I just had a sex dream about you.

April: I finally realized my life long ambition of being a mistress to a strip mall tycoon.

April [to Will]: You mean you’re free to date, and by date I mean sleep with, and by sleep with, I mean have sex with other people… people like me?

April: I’m gonna go get myself a bikini wax. And I’ll see you tomorrow.

Will is short on cash and decides to sublet his apartment. April tells Will that coincidentally, she’s looking for a place to rent. She goes to Will’s apartment and she spends the night there.

Will: The liquor cabinet is off limits.
April: No worries. I brought my own.

A month ago, at a parent-teacher conference, Kurt subtly sets up Finn’s mom (Carol Hudson) with his dad (Burt Hummel). They end up liking each other and start dating. Of course, Kurt’s real motive was so that he and Finn can become roommates. The four of them have dinner together, and Burt and Finn seem to hit it off when they start talking about sports. Kurt gets hurt and jealous when he sees them bonding, because he feels that his dad doesn’t appreciate him – Finn seems to be the son that Burt never had.

Kurt: You both have dead spouses. Maybe you should talk.

Finn: I miss getting hit.
Kurt: Pure boyish insanity.

Kurt [to Mr. Hummel]: Can you go now? I’m a half hour behind on my moisturizer routine, and I need to wake up early.

Due to the pressure to lose weight, Mercedes overdoes her diet and starts seeing her friends as food. She faints in the cafeteria. Quinn steps in to help Mercedes with her body issues. She knows what Mercedes is going through because she went through it herself when she was still a Cheerio. She encourages Mercedes to embrace her body and be proud of it.

Will and April have a heart to heart talk regarding their arrangement. We find out that they didn’t have sex – they just slept together – literally.

Kurt tells Finn that they need to break up their parents’ relationship. Finn agrees to the plan. But his mom makes him realize how selfish he is and that it’s time to let go of his father, who’s been dead for years.

At the pep rally, and in the presence of the magazine reporter, Mr. Pendergrass,  Mercedes surprises Sue and the rest of the student body when she walks up to the mike and asks them, “Who here feels fat? Who feels that they’re ugly? That they have too many pimples? That they don’t have a lot of friends?” She then sings “Beautiful” (by Christina Aguilera). Mercedes ends up getting a standing ovation.

Sue: On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, so the gym is the only place with clean air.

Turns out Mr. Pendergrass was supposed to do an expose on Sue. But he changes his mind, due to Mercedes’ performance. He congratulates Sue for having different body types into her squad and not just skinny girls. Sue takes the credit and lets him think it was her idea all along.

Tracy Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I disliked you: You’re bossy, insulting, and the fact that you twice called me Rerun makes me think you’re a little racist.

Carol asks Burt to have a man to man talk with Finn. Burt explains that he’s not there to take his dad’s place. He just really really likes Finn’s mom. Finn seems to finally let go, and invites Burt to watch a basketball game with him. He even lets Burt sit on his dad’s chair. Kurt watches them tearfully.

Burt Hummel: I can’t be your dad, but I’ll be her hero for as long as she’ll take me.

Burt Hummel: I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.

April breaks up with her tycoon boyfriend, but in the process, he dies and April ends up getting some inheritance. She’s rich! She uses some of the money to buy the auditorium. So the Glee kids now have their rehearsal space back.

Soundtrack:

“Fire”

“Home”

“A House is Not a Home”

“A House is Not a Home/One Less Bell to Answer”

“Beautiful”

“Heart of Glass”