Sue flat out tells Mercedes that she needs to lose 10 pounds in one week in time for Sue’s big interview with Splitsville Magazine, which named her as “the best coach in the last 2000 years”. If Mercedes doesn’t shed the weight, she’s out of the Cheerios.
Sue: Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team.
Kurt: You shouldn’t be embarrassed about your boy.
Mercedes: Embarrassed ? I’m worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
Sue [to Kurt and Mercedes]: How do you two not have a show on Bravo?
Sue: I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.
Mercedes asks Santana and Brittany how they manage to stay slim. Turns out the Cheerios adhere to a special drink called Sue’s Master Cleanse – formulated by Sue – a drink that contains a dose of ipecac.
Kurt: You have a week to lose 10 pounds. It’s like trying to lose one of my butt cheeks.
Sue: I haven’t had a solid meal since 1987.
Sue: Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you’re just like every other teenage girl in America, sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you’ll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents’ linen closet.
Meanwhile, the New Directions can’t rehearse in the auditorium because Sue monopolized the place for her Cheerios practice.
Sue [to Will]: I’m sure Figgins will mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.
So Will goes looking around for an off-site location. He ends up at the local skating rink, which is now owned by April Rhodes (yes, she’s B-A-CK!). April apparently hasn’t been able to clean up her act yet. She is now the mistress of a rich strip mall tycoon.
April: Will Schuester?!? I just had a sex dream about you.
April: I finally realized my life long ambition of being a mistress to a strip mall tycoon.
April [to Will]: You mean you’re free to date, and by date I mean sleep with, and by sleep with, I mean have sex with other people… people like me?
April: I’m gonna go get myself a bikini wax. And I’ll see you tomorrow.
Will is short on cash and decides to sublet his apartment. April tells Will that coincidentally, she’s looking for a place to rent. She goes to Will’s apartment and she spends the night there.
Will: The liquor cabinet is off limits.
April: No worries. I brought my own.
A month ago, at a parent-teacher conference, Kurt subtly sets up Finn’s mom (Carol Hudson) with his dad (Burt Hummel). They end up liking each other and start dating. Of course, Kurt’s real motive was so that he and Finn can become roommates. The four of them have dinner together, and Burt and Finn seem to hit it off when they start talking about sports. Kurt gets hurt and jealous when he sees them bonding, because he feels that his dad doesn’t appreciate him – Finn seems to be the son that Burt never had.
Kurt: You both have dead spouses. Maybe you should talk.
Finn: I miss getting hit.
Kurt: Pure boyish insanity.
Kurt [to Mr. Hummel]: Can you go now? I’m a half hour behind on my moisturizer routine, and I need to wake up early.
Due to the pressure to lose weight, Mercedes overdoes her diet and starts seeing her friends as food. She faints in the cafeteria. Quinn steps in to help Mercedes with her body issues. She knows what Mercedes is going through because she went through it herself when she was still a Cheerio. She encourages Mercedes to embrace her body and be proud of it.
Will and April have a heart to heart talk regarding their arrangement. We find out that they didn’t have sex – they just slept together – literally.
Kurt tells Finn that they need to break up their parents’ relationship. Finn agrees to the plan. But his mom makes him realize how selfish he is and that it’s time to let go of his father, who’s been dead for years.
At the pep rally, and in the presence of the magazine reporter, Mr. Pendergrass, Mercedes surprises Sue and the rest of the student body when she walks up to the mike and asks them, “Who here feels fat? Who feels that they’re ugly? That they have too many pimples? That they don’t have a lot of friends?” She then sings “Beautiful” (by Christina Aguilera). Mercedes ends up getting a standing ovation.
Sue: On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, so the gym is the only place with clean air.
Turns out Mr. Pendergrass was supposed to do an expose on Sue. But he changes his mind, due to Mercedes’ performance. He congratulates Sue for having different body types into her squad and not just skinny girls. Sue takes the credit and lets him think it was her idea all along.
Tracy Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I disliked you: You’re bossy, insulting, and the fact that you twice called me Rerun makes me think you’re a little racist.
Carol asks Burt to have a man to man talk with Finn. Burt explains that he’s not there to take his dad’s place. He just really really likes Finn’s mom. Finn seems to finally let go, and invites Burt to watch a basketball game with him. He even lets Burt sit on his dad’s chair. Kurt watches them tearfully.
Burt Hummel: I can’t be your dad, but I’ll be her hero for as long as she’ll take me.
Burt Hummel: I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
April breaks up with her tycoon boyfriend, but in the process, he dies and April ends up getting some inheritance. She’s rich! She uses some of the money to buy the auditorium. So the Glee kids now have their rehearsal space back.
“A House is Not a Home”
“A House is Not a Home/One Less Bell to Answer”
“Heart of Glass”